Returning to Peace
Submitted by Ruthie Yarme on Mon, June 15th 2009.
Category: Joyful mothering moment
I was having a particularly tough day. I had a cold and my head was full. My stubborn side came out. I just didn’t want to find a better feeling thought. I wanted a few hours to wallow in my self-created misery.
Yet a small voice inside was calling out; deep down, I really did want to feel better. Two parts of me remained in conflict: the resistor and the peace seeker (sometimes known as my higher self, my source, my inner guide). Really, the resistor was just so busy resisting, that the peace maker couldn’t do what she naturally wanted to do (to bring peace to my whole self).
The result wasn’t pretty.
I tried to muddle through. I filled Isabella in on my inner state (the basics- I felt crummy. I wanted to feel better. I couldn’t figure out how to do it). She listened quietly as she sat on the floor near my feet, then went back to working on her own project.
She glanced up.
“Mama, I want some paper to make into a book.” We only had two sheets left. I noticed a crinkle in her forehead…she clearly had plans that necessitated more than two sheets of paper. By helping her, I moved away from the storm inside just a smidgen, enough to suggest folding the papers in half and stapling the side. With Andre sleeping and Isabella occupied, I went back to the tennis game of upstream/downstream thoughts.
Can’t I just feel bad for one day? I’ll feel better tomorrow.
Just try to find a better feeling thought. Look for some relief.
Making me feel guilty for not having an positive thought is not
exactly positive!
Into the conversation came a gentle, soft voice. Wait, this voice isn’t coming from inside of my head.
“Mom, how do you spell ‘respect’?” I break from the chattering inside to spell it out. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T.” Then, back to the insistent tug-of- war.
Look at you; you are a mess.
No, I’m not!
Yes, you are. Can’t you even figure out how to (insert anything here- be a good mother, take care of yourself, be a supportive partner… )
“Mom, how do you spell ‘peace’?”
“P-E-A-C-E”
Bad.
Good.
Bad.
Good.
What amazes me now is that my internal chatter was so loud, I barely noticed what she was doing.
She then asked for the spelling of “J-O-Y”. I looked down. There was another crinkled brow.
“Mom, I have one more word to write, but I don’t have another page in my book.”
I finally checked in enough to see what she was doing. On each page, she had written a word (and had run out of pages). I suggested that she add the last word to the last page. Crinkle gone, she agreed.
“Mom, how do you spell laughter?”
She finished the “r” and handed me the book.
“Mom, this is my book about things you want.”
Even the voices in my head had to admit that the argument was over.
Ruthie Yarme
