A Lifetime of Mothering Moments…
Submitted by Erin Kirkland on Mon, June 8th 2009.
Category: Joyful mothering moment
It’s Saturday morning in Alaska. Sunny, peaceful; my favorite time of the day in my favorite time of year. And I’m full of thoughts.
I am sitting in what used to be my son’s bedroom, looking out on the Chugach Mountains as I type. This room used to be filled with the trappings of a teenager; posters of Star Trek, candy bar wrappers, and lots of dirty clothes. Now it is painted a subdued khaki and displays travel photos and neatly stacked piles of brochures, invoices, and books.
One year after a flurry of events thrust our family further into the abyss of intimately knowing a disabled child, I am curiously comfortable with this new space. Our son, now fifteen and one of the thousands in the United States suffering from Asperger Syndrome, attends a specialized program in Utah for teenagers living with the autism spectrum disorder. He has been there since Mother’s Day of last year.
My perspectives on this life-changing move (for that is what it was and is) have swung back and forth between anguish and joy so many times it almost seems as if the two emotions are interwoven into a quilt to cover up my soul. Anguish, from not being there when a peer’s insensitivity causes tears, or missing the opportunity to measure his eight inches of growth on the wall in the kitchen. Joy, from knowing that I don’t have to live every day in fear of what he will do or say or experience that might cause him, or me, more pain.
My lifetime of mothering this man-child has also given me awareness to know…
*Asperger Syndrome is neither his fault nor mine. It simply is.
*My son is an engaging, funny, but kind of strange kid. So are at least 1 in 250 other kids on this planet. Deal with it.
*People are much more tolerant of someone who looks different on the outside than they are of those who act different from the inside.
*My younger son, in all probability, will be responsible for his older brother some day.
*I am blessedly human and cannot, should not, or will not be able to find the solution to everything connected with my children’s happiness.
*The world, despite Jenny McCarthy, Larry King, and all the other famous people who promote autism awareness, still doesn’t get it most of the time.
*Autism does not define our children, ourselves, or our marriages. Each is separate, beautiful, and essential to the package deal God gave us.
My son, thankfully, does not truly understand the implications of his Asperger’s, nor do I ever expect him to realize what such a label means. I understand however, for I am his mother. But I am okay. Finally, I am OKAY.
Erin Kirkland is a freelance writer and blogger living in Anchorage, Alaska. Follow her family’s journey through Asperger Syndrome at http://www.elituqakbrady.blogspot.com
